I want to thank you all for reading, liking, commenting, and subscribing! I honestly thought no one would see my blog as I hadn’t utilized any of the tools the site offers to encourage views. I wasn’t ready to do all of that yet. I probably will be at some point.
Sharing my life on this blog is harder than I thought it would be and I don’t understand why. I’ve spent the bulk of my of my life journaling and have always found it therapeutic and cathartics. It always provided me with relief and clarity. I didn’t feel that last week. I don’t know why. I have written it all down before in my journals before so none of the content is new to me.
I was thinking about why and how I became a pickme. I supposed not being treated well by my mother has something to do with it. She is emotionally abusive. I was also not liked in middle school or high school by boys at my school. I had 2 boyfriends while I was in high school that were from different schools. Neither were great choices but it felt like they were all I had. In college things were better in terms of choices but the men who liked me weren’t great either. Again, I went along with whoever liked me. This pattern continued throughout my adult life. In dating I never chose myself over the man. I made him the priority and made having him and keeping him the priority. That’s very hard to admit.
As an adult I got more desperate because, as a woman, my biological clock literally was ticking. That’s reality. If a woman wants kids the optimal time to have them from a health and genetic perspective is prior to her late 20s. By that time I was just coming out of medical residency training and just getting started on my medical career. I felt truly desperate and made desperate choices.
Although I think I am pretty, I don’t think I look conventionally attractive, whatever that means. I guess models are considered conventionally attractive? I have never paid much attention to all of that. I consider myself an average, a regular every day person and find average, regular every day people like me attractive. What’s interesting to me is that I have never found conventionally attractive people attractive. I think that’s odd but maybe it’s because I don’t trust them? They don’t seem real and like people I could trust. It could also be because my mom, who is gorgeous, is not someone I feel I can trust. So, attractiveness could have something to do with my pickme-ism. If I was more attractive would dating had been easier? Then I remember gorgeous people also can get mistreated, cheated on, etc., and maybe attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Honestly, I don’t know.
Well that’s it for now. I promise to expand on all of this as time goes on. I just don’t have it in me today. I am struggling greatly with what’s happening to people in my country (the USA). The “joke” from a person in power about human beings in cages potentially being fed to alligators and the overall cruelty of it all is just hard to take. I am having a hard time.
Confessions of a Former PickMe 
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