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Confessions of a Former PickMe

Former pickme? I am not sure because I have not dated in years. I don’t trust myself not to return to my former pickme ways. 

Let me start off by telling you a little about my former pickme self. I was DESPERATE to get married. I am early Gen-X (but feel like an early Millennial) and was raised by a Silent Gen mom who believed that life was incomplete and that I was malfunctioning if I didn’t have a man. At the same time, she went to school to get her doctorate and started her career later in life. This was all done without a man. She was a single parent doing it all. She did it so I felt I could do it too. I did not believe deep down that a man was required. However, I wanted one because to me getting married meant I was worthy of love and finally could secure my place in society. Being married meant I wasn’t a loser or unwanted or ugly. 

Well, I finally DID get married at 38 and my choice was a desperate one. We were dating only 4 months before we eloped to Vegas to get married. He told me he would marry me if I told him how much I weighed. There was no proposal. No ring. I was that desperate. After I told him how much I weighed we went to Vegas that night. Pathetic, right? I have never told anyone this. It’s embarrassing. 

That’s not the worst of it. This man treated me badly while we were dating but I stuck it out. I was used to being mistreated and honestly it didn’t feel any different than what I was used to. I desperately didn’t want to lose him because here was my chance! I had a man who talked about getting married. I was excited to FINALLY receive that kind of acceptance from a man. I also thought being married would magically change how he treated me. I mean, why would he marry me if he didn’t love me? Why would he treat his wife as awfully as he treated his girlfriend? I thought married men treated their wives well and that bad marriages were just a fluke. I was wrong. Marriage was awful. Sometimes he was nice and charming but most of the time he was not. He treated me horribly. He was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He’d ghost me in my own home. He’d go 3 days not speaking to me after I tried to talk to him about things that bothered me. He never liked that. He’d yell, throw something, slam doors, say horrible things to me, and then not speak to me for days. I let him do it. I was desperate to stay married. 

I am now divorced. We weren’t married long. 3 years. What made me file for divorce? That’s a whole other story that I may share at some point. Needless to say I did get out and have been divorced for 16 years. Despite all of that I still got back together with him occasionally during those first few years post divorce. I have not done that in 13 years thank goodness. To this day I still feel like I love him but I think that’s due to a trauma bond. If I have to see him I have to place constant boundaries on myself throughout the interaction. It’s tough but it’s for my own good. He’s not the reason I don’t date though. I don’t date, because as I stated at the start, I don’t trust myself. I have more stories of desperation occurring before and after marriage. Because of that I just don’t date. I would rather be single, happy, and sane than let myself be sucked into a bad relationship again and risk my mental health. 

Why am I like this? I have my theories. Maybe at some point I will share them.

I started this blog to help others. I am sure I am not the only one who has been a desperate pickme and can relate. If you have anything negative to say or want to make fun of me or others like me go ahead but you will be blocked. I want this to be a safe space for people. I don’t deal with negative people anymore. Just be glad you have never been like me, move on, and live your life.